Might be my earphones, but I picked up some static on the recording.
Did you like specific instrumental parts, lyrics,? yes
I love the singers' voice and the banjo playing. The music is beautiful. The story needs better lines. What you are saying is marketable but common. Try for better lines. It would be a hit with line by line analysis of the lyrics.
The Jobs of Each Section (does each section do its job: v1--character, context, setting; chorus--give the big idea; v2--take the big idea further; bridge (if necessary) --take the big idea even further
1) Does my intro make you want to hear the song? Yes
2) Does my opening line draw you in and make you want to hear more? Somewhat
3) Is my melody interesting? Yes
4) Does my melody get stuck in your head? Yes
5) Does my chorus stand out and take the song to a higher place? Somewhat