Story Behind The Song

One day I was curious about sperm banks, and visited a few websites, and to my amazement, and some were promoting that they could give you a child with features you prefer, like eye color, hair color, this type or that type. Upping the ante on this idea and to poke a little fun at the industry, I presented the melody and concept to New York ad man, award winning veteran of many jingles and eccentric ads, Hans Kracauer, to write the lyric, and so, we present to you "Sam's Sperm Bank".

Song Description

a faux jingle about a sperm bank whose proprietor is named "Sam".

Lyrics

SAM'S SPERM BANK

Holy cow ! I just got the news.
You can now craft any child you choose;
Tailor-made babies right in the tank-
You'll find the ingredients at Sam's Sperm Bank.

Want a girl whose star is sure to shine?
Your darlin' will sing like Patsy Cline.
Just place your order , and out they'll crank;
Her sweet prototype at Sam's Sperm Bank.

Want a boy who'll be an Olympic champ?
One day they'll stick his profile right on a stamp.
So please go pay the nurse , for let's be real frank;
Ain't nothin' they can't do at Sam's Sperm Bank!

Hey, watch those couples come in teams
And order the baby of their dreams.
There's no other bank can claim they rank
As civic-minded as Sam's Sperm Bank

Want a boy who'll be an Olympic champ?
One day they'll stick his profile right on a stamp.
So please go pay the nurse , for let's be real frank;
Ain't nothin' they can't do at Sam's Sperm Bank!

Those other banks must guard their flank
For they can't compete with Sam's Sperm Bank.
Comparison shop? You'll shoot a blank.
Get your tailor-made babies,
Get your tailor-made babies,
Get your tailor-made babies at Sam's Sperm Bank.


Music by Pat Hardy Lockwood
Lyrics by Hans Kracauer
Copyright © 2011